Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
