I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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