Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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