Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
