I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
