Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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