i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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