Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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