I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
