a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
being pregnant is like rehab
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize