So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
