I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
