you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
