you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
