I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
