i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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