the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
