don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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