First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The uberlube is also flammable
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
