I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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