My cat gives me a boner
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
