How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
