Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
