The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
