I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I will be naked everywhere
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
