Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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