yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
