Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
