apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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