Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
