So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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