oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
