maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Alive.
So much puke
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
