Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
