Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
