I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have aggressive nipples.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
