There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
