So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
