Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i think im in europe. pls send help
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
