I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
