when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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