It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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