i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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