I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
