Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
