do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
