Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I still have a little drunk in my system
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
