Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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