Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
