After last night, I could never be a politician.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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