i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
