I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
