She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
