Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
