if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Too much gin, very little bucket
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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