he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
