Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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