how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
