Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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