last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
