LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
