if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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