I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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