Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
