I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
